


For A Better Conscience

by Dream_Was_Found



Series: Angst Oneshots [4]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Dissociation, Gen, Hurt, On Stream, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:08:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28760796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_Was_Found/pseuds/Dream_Was_Found
Summary: Based on the livestream Dream did on January 12th, but this time everything goes wrong.
Series: Angst Oneshots [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911994
Comments: 10
Kudos: 168





	For A Better Conscience

**Author's Note:**

> TW: panic attack, paranoia, anxiety, dissociation, self-harm (scratching and drawing blood), hyperventilation
> 
> **AUTHOR'S NOTE**  
> The characters in this work do not reflect the actual, real lives of the real people used. Only their online, fictional personas are used; a reminder that this whole work and scenarios used are also fictional. Do not push these works of fiction onto the real people and if any of the people used in this fanfic express discomfort then I will take down this work immediately.

“Why’re you getting more gold? I don’t get it.”

“Because he...22 gold is unlikely-”

“No, 22 gold actually is likely,” I cut off Sapnap before he could say anymore, feeling a small twinge of guilt because I interrupted him when he was trying to defend me.  _ But I don’t need defending...I’m really not worth defending, I don’t want to drag anyone else into this mess I created. _

“No, but...but...ugh,” George groaned. “I guess…”

“I’ll...I’ll just get a little bit more, it’s fine,” I sighed as I moved my character out of the hole I had dug, collecting the last of the gold nuggets. “Alright listen, I don’t know where another guy is so I was just getting some because I don’t see anybody-”

“Oh yeah, I was just gonna say...you don’t need  _ more  _ gold, Dream.”

_ Oh, I see what he’s getting at.  _ “That’s...so...so you’re making a joke. It’s not really funny, George. It’s not funny when people don’t get that it’s a joke.” I grimaced, I didn’t mean to come off as bitter and George’s lack of response just made the whole situation more awkward. The silence was deafening as I continued to run around the crimson forest, trying to scout out more piglins to trade with.  _ Just please, please one of you say something. _

Silence wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

* * *

I already had 5 ender pearls on me when I found a second piglin, my heart pounding as I dropped the gold onto the floor as bait so I could dig a hole underneath the unsuspecting mob. Trapping the piglin was easy, it was the suspense that followed that put me on edge. I had to sit there, stand there, whatever...bartering gold ingots away in front of more than 100k viewers. I purposely started streaming at 4 AM just so there would be a lower viewer count, but it didn’t matter—everyone wanted to see the now infamous Minecraft Youtuber, Dream, fuck it all up again.

I decided to craft more gold ingots to distract myself, my pinkie finger struggling to stay still on the shift key in order to spread the gold nuggets evenly across each slot of the crafting table.  _ Fuck, why am I so nervous?  _ I gritted my teeth, trying to stop the slight tremor of my hand.  _ It’s just like how it’s always been, except for this time you KNOW that there is no possible way you can be cheating, I haven’t done anything to mess with the game...it’s clean, I’m clear...I’m fine...right?  _

I really wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay, but it was so hard when both George and Sapnap remained quiet, only a subtle rustle or the sound of a creaky chair was sometimes audible. It was as if they were just like another one of my viewers and the slight confidence I had from their presence was slowly fading away. I was screwed either way. 

_ If I get another ender pearl trade too soon, then it’ll look as if I’m cheating again...but if I don’t get any more trades at all, it’ll look like I purposely coded it so the drop rates would be lower in order to throw off suspicion. I’m fucked, I’m totally fucked. Why did I even stream in the first place? _

“Dream...” I could barely hear Sapnap’s voice through my headphones, partially because he was quiet but also because I was so focused on the game I inadvertently tuned everything else out.

“Hmmm?” 

“Dream...look at your hotbar.”

_ What does Sapnap mean?  _ My eyes trailed downwards to my hotbar as I was still in the crafting menu and sure enough, the glaring number 11 was staring back at me. “What?” The disbelief in my voice was evident as my mouse hovered over the 11 ender pearls in my hotbar; the piglin I was trading with had given me 6 god damn ender pearls as I was distracted crafting more gold ingots.

Quickly glancing over to the chat on my second monitor was a mistake, I could see messages flying by, almost too quick for me to comprehend. But I knew they were all spelling out phrases such as “Dream is cheating again” or “He forgot to delete the code he set up to rig the trades” or just the single word of “CHEATER.” I ripped my eyes away from the screen, going back to the game and exiting the crafting menu so I could turn back to the piglin behind me.

“No...nonono that’s just sheer luck,” I muttered. “And I’m  _ not  _ making an excuse this time, it really is just a coincidence.” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince at this point. Was it for the chat? For George and Sapnap? Or for myself? I couldn’t even be sure of myself.  _ No, I got rid of everything, I started over with a blank slate. It also wouldn’t make sense for me to blatantly cheat on stream, why would I do that? No, I’m not that stupid...right? _

“I mean, that can happen...right?” Sapnap tried to reassure me, but I couldn’t find the heart to take his word, not with all the accusations still laying heavy on my back. “You’re fine, Dream. You wouldn’t cheat.”

“But he did,” George argued back and he was right.

“Well...yeah, I guess so. But you didn’t have to phrase it so...bluntly.”

“Guys.” My voice sounded foreign, there was a hint of fear lurking inside, ready to burst out at any moment. I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing; my heart would race whenever it came to these situations, it would be pounding so hard I could sense it in my ears and feel it reverberate down my spine. I didn’t want to look at my screen anymore, neither the game nor the chat.

“Dream what are you doing?” 

“George...guys...just tell me when I get more pearls, okay?”

“Um, I guess.” Sapnap’s voice was laced with both confusion and worry, a concern that I didn’t deserve. I leaned back in my chair, putting my hands over my eyes even though they were closed anyways. The sounds the piglin was making almost masked the sound of picking up an item, but I could hear it, barely. 

_ There’s one. _

_ Two. _

_ Three. _

_ Four. _

_ Five. _

_ Six. _

_ Seven. _

_ Ei- _

“Dream,” Sapnap and George said simultaneously, there was a heavy tone in their voices that made me want to just quit the game entirely. 

_ No, it’s too soon. Please at least be lower so it doesn’t look as bad. _ I groaned as I opened my eyes that were still covered by my hands, lifting up one of my fingers so I could peer through the crack and look at the screen.

16.

I blinked again but the number didn’t change.

16.

I thought the number had changed, a small spark of joy lighting inside of me, only to be extinguished by the tears that were threatening to spill.  _ You’re done for, they’re going to rip you apart. I haven’t even done anything wrong I swear, why did this have to happen? _

“No.” I ignored how shaky my voice was, I was more focused on the tears that finally flowed down my face when I tried to blink them away. “Fuck…”

“Dude, it’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, what Sapnap said. And what are you doing!?”

“Evidence,” I replied. I had removed the hands from my face, drying them by wiping my hands on my sweatpants. They were dry, but it still felt like they still were wet from how much my palms were sweating. Regardless, I moved my hands back to my mouse and keyboard so I could open up the options in the game and turn on cheats. Putting myself into creative was more difficult than usual from how much my hands were shaking, but I managed anyway and was starting to give myself the necessary items, stopping when I heard George yelling at me.

I gave myself stacks of even more gold, chests and piglin spawn eggs. Whether or not Sapnap or George were still talking was unbeknownst to me, I had tuned them out a while ago. I worked in silence, apart from the sound of blood rushing in my ears, nevertheless I started to expand the pit I had made slightly. I spawned in 4 more piglins, dropping a stack of gold for each one, which would seem like overkill to anyone else, but I didn’t care.

“Dream, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” George’s voice was barely even a whisper.

“I’m not,” I whispered back, putting the items the piglins had already dropped into a double chest. I planned to transfer every bartered item from my inventory to the chest.

“Dream, what the hell man?! This is going to take forever, we already know that you’re not cheating-”

“Sapnap.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t care.” My words felt like they were being caught in the back of my throat. “I  _ need  _ a better conscience about this whole mess,  _ please. _ ”

“By ‘we’ I don’t mean just George and I, I’m also talking about your entire audience. They’re gonna have to sit and watch this?”

“I-” I snapped my mouth shut, knowing that whatever was going to come out wouldn’t end well.

“Dream-”

“SHUT UP!” I screamed at George, finally letting out the frustrations and anxiety that had been bottled up inside. They poured out with such force the glass bottle started to crack—I started to crack under the immense amount of pressure. “Just shut up! I don’t care! Why do I even care about anything anymore when it just raises even more suspicion? Why can’t I be this fucking  _ Dream  _ that everyone wants me to be!? What am I doing wrong? No one’s fucking telling me—well they probably are and I’m just oblivious to the entire world. How have I survived for so long if I’m this oblivious? Why am I still here when all I am is a disappointment? I’m just a-”

**Liar.**

**Cheater.**

**Selfish bastard.**

**Horrible influence.**

**Failure.**

**Worthless human being.**

Reading my chat was a huge mistake, almost as big of a mistake of even streaming in the first place. But nothing was as big of a mistake as showing who I was behind that stupid smiley mask I used to hide all my flaws. Too many flaws to count, I couldn’t pick up anymore, my inventory was full so they just surrounded me for everyone to see. 

“Calm down, you’ve got this. Dream?”

“I don’t, I can’t,” I sobbed, using my hoodie sleeves to try and wipe away the waterfall of tears cascading down my face. “I just  _ can’t _ . Just leave George, leave like everybody else. I won’t take offense to it, just go before I fuck things up even more.”

“ _ No.  _ No, I'm not going anywhere, Dream. I’m staying right here with you, okay? You’re not a bad person, you never were.”

“Stop fucking lying! Just tell me the truth George! You hate me, right? You’re supposed to hate me, you should hate me. What have I ever done for you? All I do is just bitch and whine at every little thing while everyone just has to sit there and watch this terrible shitshow.”

“I’M NOT LYING! Why don’t you get that!? Please! Please just get it through your thick skull and stop being an idiot!” George’s breath was heavy once he was done with his rant, the only thing covering up the silence in the call. 

“I’m sorry.” It was hard to speak when I kept on choking on my words, whimpers trying to escape instead. “I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry.”

“No! Dream, no. I didn’t mean it—Oh my god. I should be the one apologizing.”

“Don’t. Don’t force yourself to.”

“No I’m no-” I didn’t even get to hear the last of George’s words once I ripped my headphones off, carelessly dropping them to the floor as I stood up from my chair. Everything felt so heavy as I slowly walked over to my bed, but at the same time, it felt like nothing. I felt nothing, not even the tears streaming down my cheeks. 

I didn’t even make it onto the bed before I collapsed onto the floor; it wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but because I could physically do it. My legs were numb, everything was numb. It was as if my body was doing the work for me, trying to disappear from the world entirely, trying to erase my existence from this world. 

“No, no why am I feeling this.” My hands hovered over my throat, the only area of my body that seemed to be burning, or feel like it was on fire. There was an insatiable itch underneath my skin and it hurt. It was the inside too, my throat was tight from how choked up I was and from how rapidly I was breathing, I didn’t even realize I was breathing that fast. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words would come out. 

_ Hurts. Burns. It burns.  _ The first scratch lessened the burn, so I kept on dragging my nails across my throat, my neck.  _ Burns.  _ I dug in even harder with my fingernails, the source of pain was buried too deep and I couldn’t get to it. My skin had become raw and I was bleeding, I knew when I temporarily stopped scratching to look at my blood-stained hands.

I didn’t want to feel anything anymore, everything was fine when I was completely numb, it was almost peaceful even. But my throat felt like molten iron, red hot and searing. I managed to drag myself over to my desk, albeit at a snail’s pace. My fingers left smears of blood on the drawers as I pulled them open, hand desperately trying to find the scissors I had.

I eventually found them and was going to return to my previous spot until the bright light coming from my monitors caught my eye. My vision was too blurry from the tears and I couldn’t read what was being said in the chat, but all I knew was that it was too fast to keep up with anyways.  _ Wait, chat...I’m live. Holy shit I’m live how much more can I fuck this up? I’m live, I’m liveI’mlive. It’s going to be clipped, I’m going to be spread around the internet and let everyone know who I really am. Of how much of a failure I am. It’s too late, I can’t stay here. I can’t. _

I brought the scissors up to my throat, ready to pierce through skin until it was torn away from my hands. There was another hand grabbing my wrist, but it wasn’t my own, my other hand was laying on the ground and clawing at the carpet. Another hand came into view and I followed its path to my left shoulder where it rested. I didn’t have four hands, I had two that I could move myself.

_ Two hands...a person. Someone.  _ I stared at the hand on my shoulder and saw an arm, which was attached to a person that seemed familiar but I couldn’t tell because of the black spots dancing across my vision. 

And then suddenly I was moving, my whole body shifting towards the other person and my head pushed up against their chest. I glanced downwards, an arm had snaked around my waist and was holding me close to the other person. 

_ “Breathe Clay, breathe.”  _ The stranger’s voice was faint and it was almost as if it was just inside my head. I flinched when a hand was put over my mouth, depriving me of the oxygen my lungs desperately needed. I tried to remove the hand, but my own hands were too weak and could do nothing to get the other person’s hand to budge. Even clawing at the hand was futile and I could do nothing but try and get a breath in through my nose.

There was a pressure in my chest that was building, a feeling stronger than the insatiable itch I had in my throat.  _ Can’t breathe. My chest, my lungs...my lungs, chest, they’re here, I can feel them. They’re here, my body is here. My body is here.  _ The numbness that had taken control of my body was beginning to disappear and so did the black spots in my vision. I could feel my chest heave as I breathed deeply, unable to rapidly inhale and exhale anymore with the hand covering my mouth.

I’m not sure how much time had passed before the hand was removed and I could finally take in a deep gulp of air, filling up my lungs and exhaling slowly. My vision was clearing up and my eyes were sore from how wide open and unblinking they were during the episode. Blinking away the pain helped and I realized I was no longer crying. 

“Clay.” 

_ What?  _ I looked up to the person holding me, finally able to see them clearly and identifying the familiar face as Sapnap’s. Sapnap had been holding me this entire time.

“Okay, so you know who you are...Do you know who I am?”

A nod.

“Do you know where you are right now?” 

“Here, home,” I croaked, wincing a bit as I struggled to get the words out.

“That’s good, you’re doing great man. Um...are you aware of what happened?”

“Panic...dissociation...stream?”

“You can um...feel me, right?”

“Yeah.” I laid my head against his chest, both feeling and listening to his heartbeat, something about it was calming. “More.”

Sapnap hummed in agreement and wrapped both of his arms around me and drew me even closer to his body. I could feel a warm and heavy pressure against my back as Sapnap pressed his body against mine.

“I’m...I’m sorry,” I sniffled.

“Don’t be, it’s not your fault, you’re okay. I’m sorry I couldn’t get into your room sooner, your door was locked and I had to uhhh...break down the door.” I quickly glanced to the open door, the doorknob was loosely hanging on and the doorframe had been damaged. “But if anything, I’m glad I could make it in time, I...I don’t know what I would do without you man.”

“I wa-wasn’t gonna die.”

“Clay!” I hid my head into his chest, startled by the sudden yelling. “I literally busted down the door just to see you holding fucking  _ scissors  _ to your neck. I...I don’t know what to think, I was just so scared.”

“I didn’t mean to,” I murmured, a slight hiccup trying to take over my voice. “Sorry.”

“No, Clay...it’s just...please don’t go. I love you, man. George loves you—we all love you, okay?” I could feel his tears start to soak through the back of my shirt and the guilt I felt was almost overwhelming. I had escalated just a simple scenario to a full-blown panic attack in front of the entire world. All my flaws were out for display and I could do nothing to take it back. 

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the stream vod I used for reference: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/870606311
> 
> Also, I do not mean to portray Dream in either a good or bad light in the speedrun cheating controversy. Dream is moving on past the drama and I will respect his decision, this work was written just to be a work, not a take on the situation.


End file.
